Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
