FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
