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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I forgot about that,good spring break.

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.

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• (208): View more from Idaho

  Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.

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• (941): View more from Florida

  It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.

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• (916): View more from California

  When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!

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• (913): View more from Kansas

  Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole

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• (407): View more from Florida

  I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"

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• (562): View more from California

  Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.

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• (707): View more from California

  He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.

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• (307): View more from Wyoming

  yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....

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