quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize