apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
This is classic penis vs brain.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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