my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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