I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
