Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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