Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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