Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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