She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
porn star boner night. come get it.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
