I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
