just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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