This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
