Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
