Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
