wanna go halves on a baby?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
