I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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