I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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