he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
