im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
