cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
