you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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