JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize