If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
