Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize