It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
