Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
