Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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