i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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