either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
