I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize