the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
