Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
