I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
