The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
