dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
