Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
