I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize