Betty ford says i'm here all night
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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