Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
