Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you would pick up someone in the library
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
