Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
