Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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