I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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