Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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