1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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