OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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