No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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