The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
