The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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