I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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