Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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