I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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