sarcasm needs its own font
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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