I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
