Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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